Monday, 28 July 2014

Do I Need to Change Name After Marriage?

So, you have done it. You did the deed. You got married! All the intense preparations, grueling rehearsals and premarital jitters are over. But alas! Another problem rears its head, something else to contemplate. What about changing name after marriage? Do I have to?

Everyone knows, it is tradition. When a woman gets married she drops her last name and adopts that of her husband. It is based on the idea that when a man takes a wife and they have children, they form a family. The family should be recognizable by one name, their last name or family name. So, because it was a male dominated society, the entire family would adopt the man’s last name.

After wedding, woman still has to think about changing last nameHowever, times have changed. Women now take pride in the many strides they have made throughout history. Strides like the ability to now vote and their increased presence in the workplace; there are female presidents and prime ministers everywhere now for heaven’s sake! Isn’t changing your last name against your will to that of your husband’s still a remnant of the out dated male dominated society?

Also, what about the whole issue of identity? Some women believe that changing your name after marriage changes who you are. You were born with a particular name. You are used to it, you love it.

So why should you be forced into changing your name after marriage?  Suppose I do not like his last name? Really, all I signed up for was to love him, not necessarily his last name! Women should not be forced into changing last name after marriage. Some women scream, “Why doesn’t he take my name”? The point is gone are the days when the man controls everything. We are capable of making our own decisions.

There are 6ways in which women deal with the name change issue nowadays. Namely:

·        Simply keep their own name – make no change at all

·        Keep their own name in professional situations only – otherwise they use their husband’s name

·        Fully adopt their husband’s name  - their own name becomes their maiden name

·        Hyphenate their own name with their husband’s – all of that becomes their last name

·        Use their own name as their middle name and adopt their husband’s last name –they have to be willing to drop their middle name

·        Ask their husband to take their name – the entire family name becomes that of the woman’s

Whatever the choice, I believe it is ultimately the bride’s decision. Living in modern times means we are afforded a choice. We do not have to feel compelled to follow tradition and accept the last name of our groom. Neither do we need to feel belittled by feminists who do not believe in taking the name at all.

I had several considerations when I was making my decision. The issue of identity, the fact that I do like the idea of my family being recognized collectively under one name and of course tradition. My first choice was to hyphenate but after trying that out for a while in colloquial settings, I bid that idea goodbye. Both our names are too long and are combustible together. So officially I took his name but I still use my maiden name in certain simple settings like on social media.

The point is, however, it was my decision. I am proud of my decision. Do not allow anyone to oblige you into doing what they want. What decision did you make?

Monday, 14 July 2014

Myers Briggs Personality Types and compatibility

Relationships sometimes are problematic because of personality types differences. Knowing a little more about your partner’s nature will not only help you both with your communication but it will also help you comprehend their behavior and how best they function. The Myers Briggs personality types profile is a more detailed model than the fourpersonality types model discussed before.  It could help couples with the task of understanding each other.

Understanding personality types can help your relationship


The Myers Briggs personality types theory was developed on the premise that our natural tendencies can be placed in four categories or scales. These categories are:

·                  Extraversion/Introversion [E/I] - our flow of energy, whether we are stimulated inwardly or outwardly

·                  Sensorial/Intuitive [S/N] - Our method of gathering information about the surroundings, whether we rely on our senses or instincts

·                  Thinking/Feeling [T/F] - our preferred method of decision making, whether we make decisions based on logical findings or subjective, personal  value systems

·                  Judging/Perceiving [J/P] – our daily way of dealing with the world, whether we prefer organization and structure as opposed to a more casual approach.


The theory purports that our personality types are based on our preference in each of the four categories stated above. They use the word preference as it is not uncommon for any given person to display characteristics that are atypical of him. In fact it is expected that, as we grow and experience various aspects of life,  we learn to adapt and perform other personality functions. However, we tend to gravitate to our strongest, most dominant  characteristics. Hence, our personality types can be predicted based on our normal tendencies.


Choosing either one or the other in each of the categories gives rise to the Myers Briggs 16 personality types. For example, ISFJ represents someone whose personality preferences are introversion, sensorial, feeling and Judging. There are many tests available online that can help persons determine their personality type based on this theory. However, what about the Myers Briggs personality types and relationships? How does it help with determining compatibility?


Myers Briggs relationship compatibility

According to this model, personality types can mostly predict how we interact with others and the world on a regular basis. However, when it comes to attraction, our instincts seem to play more of an integral role. That is, we seem to become attracted to persons more similar to us on the  S/N scale.


Obviously though, having a relationship goes way beyond mere attraction. As discussed in my previous article on personality types compatibility, research shows that happier relationships tend to exist between persons who Have more similar personality traits. In terms of the Myers Briggs personality types, the more dominant functions the couple has in common, the happier their relationship. The last three scales see to play a complex role in determining long term relationship happiness. However, it was more common to find couples with just two similar type preferences. The more similar a couple’s dominant functions, the more they speak each other’s language and the better they communicate.


However with that said, opposites do attract. It is not uncommon to see an extravert pairing with an introvert and a judger pairing with a perceiver. Sometimes what is different is alluring and intriguing. Also, maybe it is in an attempt to strengthen our weaknesses why we look for partners with opposite personas.


Knowing you and your partner’s personality typees could really explain some issues you both might have. –Read this article to get more information on how people’s natural characteristics affect relationship compatibility.

Monday, 7 July 2014

Exploring Personality Types Compatibility and Romance

Ever find yourself wondering why is it some people have long lasting, happy relationships while others seem to bounce around and not find the right partner? Or have you ever noticed that some couples can seemingly work through their issues quietly while others tend to be loud and bickering all the time? The answer may lie in the difference in personality types within these couples. If we understood a little more about the different natures and how they naturally react in various situations, then we would have fewer clashes of personality types in relationships.


A happy couple Why look at personality types and relationships?

Statistics show that persons who are very happy  in their relationships or marriages tend to have the most optimistic outlook on life and are more likely to have inner harmony. There are three factors that are found to be most related with happy couples: good communication, similar values and interests, and the capacity to solve disagreements calmly and openly. All three of these factors have to do with personality types. A clash in characters can give rise to problems in any of these areas. So how can we get there? How can we have a happy love life?

Well one way to get there is through exploring the personality types of both you and your partner. First, you will understand yourself a little better. You learn why you tend to perceive the world in a particular way and why you react to different things and situations in the way you do. Through personality exploration,  you can identify your natural weaknesses [so you can make conscious efforts to limit the negative effects they can have on your life] and strengths [how to use them to your advantage]. After all, developing the best you is much healthier than trying to fit yourself into other personality types.   

Then, you will understand your spouse better too. Suddenly it becomes clear why it is that you and your spouse can never agree on some things; you see the same situation yet you come to two completely different conclusions. Understanding the innate characters of our significant others will make us less tempted to try to change them. Rather, we would have a discussion about how to best work out a problem.


What are the personality types?

Over the years, several personality theories have been proposed. So, for the purposes of understanding personality types compatibility in relationships, let us look at The main four personality types. I will explore the Myers Briggs personality types model in another article.


The main four personality types


Diagram of how the four personality types interact on the extraversion/introversion and organizational/relational scales
This theory was first put forward by the greek physician Hippocrates who believed that people’s personality types  differed due to certain body fluids.  The theory has been further developed since. Sometimes this theory is also referred to as the four temperaments which speaks to that part of personality concerned with the predominant mood pattern of a person. Whatever it is though, it is powerful in helping with the comprehension of our character differences.   

The four personality types are sanguine, choleric, phlegmatic and melancholic. Different colours and animals have also now become associated with each of these. Firstly though, let us understand that no one can be boxed into any one personality category. Yes, we have one dominant personality type and that is the type we generally use to describe ourselves. However, our day to day disposition tends to be an amalgamation of that dominant one and others. The table below shows the characteristics, strengths and weaknesses particular to each type.

The characteristics of the four personality types


How personality types determine compatibility?

In general, it is found that the longest and happiest relationships occur between persons of similar personality types. That is understandable as the more similar each mate’s nature is to the other, the more common interests and goals they may share. Also, communication and disagreement solving becomes less labored.

However, it is also common for opposites to attract [sanguines with melancholics, cholerics with phlegmatics]. We Find what is different attractive. It is also purported that we may mate with persons of opposite personas in an attempt to make up for our own weaknesses. The trick is to understand the dissimilar characters and find a way to work with them for a successful relationship.  

Obviously sanguines, represented by the blue dolphin,  can be fun. They will pump a lot of spontaneity in a relationship. Remember though, they are easily bored so if they are not getting enough stimulation at home they might just look elsewhere. Couples with sanguine women sometimes experience problems. As she is naturally extraverted and We are used to the man being the dominant figure, a woman being so outgoing might step on some toes. Sanguine women, in their quest for fun and variety, may be Inclined to seek out men who are emotionally unavailable and a challenge. Therefore if such women want serious relationships, they should be careful of their own tendencies to attract the wrong mate. On a whole, if you are dating a sanguine, you must prepare for their impulsive, disorganized nature.

The sanguine is as playful and sociable as the dolphin

Cholerics, represented by the red shark,  exude dominance, which also translates into their romantic relationships. The females may experience issues  because of their dominant nature as it is more common for men to be in control. Cholerics must be mindful of their tempers and must know that the opinions of their partners matter. They have to be careful not to drive their partner away with their constant need to argue and their constant need for significance. A choleric’s mate will also have to give some leeway for the stubborn ways of their partner.

Phlegmatics, represented by the yellow whale,  have to watch their tendency to always want to help. They are always helping and never having their own needs met. They may also neglect, and therefore lose,  their spouses in the process. An outgoing person may feel closed in with such a spouse as the phlegmatic prefers small gatherings of people they know.

Melancholics, represented by the green urchin,  may initially come off as stand offish, so you have to work a little harder to get to know them. They take a while before they trust others. They may be stereotyped as overly critical and non-adventurous. Therefore, such persons have to work on keeping their mates interested.   Sometimes persons with this personality type can make their spouses feel as if they can never get anything right. This will lead to resentment and conflict. So the melancholic has to be careful of that. Also, because they are sensitive and prone to depression, a melancholic’s mate has to be prepared to help them through their rough days.

Personality types compatibility is very important to discuss. It can give some insight into what is happening in our relationships. Have you figured out your personality type yet?